Archive for Brain Output

Corn Days 1989 or “I Changed One Clown’s Life Forever”

Know of any children who are scared of clowns? How about clowns that are scared of children?

October 14, 1989. Main Street in Carmi, Illinois is busy with excitement. The 2nd weekend in October marks the conclusion of Carmi’s annual fall festival, Corn Days. Throughout the week, there are livestock showings, talent shows, musical performances, carnival rides, and Friday night two lucky high schoolers will be named the Corn King and Queen. Saturday is the most fun though. Saturday begins with games and activities specifically for kids. The carnies run the rides all day. The big show, the parade, is what everyone looks forward to. For me that means watching all of the area marching bands showcasing their routines in front of the grandstand, giggling at the Shriners in their goofy little cars, and catching candy from the many cars and floats that will be part of the lineup. Read more

Did you know…?

  • Slugs are gastropod molluscs and are descended from snails. Over time, the necessity of the shell was reduced in some species to become either nonexistent, small and unnoticeable, or internal.
  • Slugs are vile creatures that will destroy a garden or other beautiful plants in your yard.
  • Slugs, though composed primarily of water, will not pop, no matter how long you hold a lighter to them.
  • The mucous slugs produce to protect their disgusting insides turns to the consistency of rubber cement when a flame is applied. Mass extermination of slugs with fire could produce the world’s next great adhesive. (100% organic!)
  • Salt does not immediately kill a slug but causes it to die in slow, torturing agony. This method should be used whenever salt is available. Keep small restaurant packets in your pocket for such occasions.
  • People who defend the disgustingness of slugs hate freedom, kittens, apple pie, and everything you hold sacred.
  • Slugs were invented by Satan as a way to add disgustingness to the planet Earth.
  • Destroy slugs whenever you see them. Animals that depend on slugs for food are not doing a good enough job and must be forced to expand their menu.
  • If you are an invertebrate biologist with a raging one for slugs, do not speak to me. Unfriend me.

Meeting Howie Mandel for a Late Dinner

Photo: elle.com

Photo: elle.com

It was 10:30pm Pacific time.

I had one new voicemail. I knew why. The wireless service near my family’s restaurant was terrible. I stepped outside to get enough bars to find out what couldn’t wait until morning.

“Corey, this is Howie Mandel. I was so impressed to hear about your last performance that I wanted to invite you to dinner with me this evening in San Francisco at La Paz.”

With my jaw still partially dropped, I went back inside to deliver the news to my dad. He was sitting on a stool near the front counter, and he could tell I was awestruck.

Before he could even ask what had me in such a daze, I blurted out, “Howie Mandel just invited me to dinner at La Paz!”

“Tonight?” my dad replied, not reciprocating my excitement as I had anticipated. “It’s a little late for dinner.” Read more

Hardee’s: A Tale of Hopelessness and Hunger

A simple question: Why would you work with the public if you are a complete jerk incapable of maintaining a positive attitude? This question would be best asked to the management of the Hardee’s on Wire Road.

I left class this morning with a mission. I’ma drive down Wire Road, in the opposite direction of my bed, to buy a tasty-looking and much-hyped Country Breakfast Burrito. I have a fascination for multiple food groups rolled in flour tortillas, and I wanted to sample this delicacy before it was discontinued. Read more

Gas Prices = $LOL

So, it’s officially the 16th and, boy, am I happy! I really wanted to buy gas yesterday, but sound economic theory was at work during the good ole “American Gas-Out.”

Anyway, I drove down to the nearest gas station to see what gas prices were like now that we bankrupted the oil industry. Gas was 15 cents a gallon! I was filling my tank up with delicious refined petroleum and some bum came up and started cleaning my windows and begging for change. It was an oil executive! Turns out he lost his job after the Exxon-Mobil corporate headquarters collapsed due to the coherent arguments and economic reasoning of high school facebook users across America.

After I filled my tank, I went in to get a Mountain Dew and I got a free quart of oil with it, because apparently the stuff is free now. I’m sure glad the free market works like that. I mean, come on, like do the math and stuff.

10,000,000 people x 1 car x $75 x 2 gas stations x 85,000 facebook groups = Chapter 7 Bankruptcy for the evil oil industry Read more

Gym Jam

safe_imageIt all started when I wanted to take a martial arts class (not to be confused with marital arts which is something completely different). I asked around here and there, and I was eventually directed to Gold’s Gym, where it was believed that there were weekly martial arts classes. “Great! That’s near where I work!” I thought. I scheduled a tour of the facilities and promised myself that I would not purchase a gym membership. In fact, I was so serious about this, I had several friends text me throughout the day to affirm that resolution. After all, I didn’t want a gym membership. Treadmills, ellipticals, and spinning classes are fine I guess, but I didn’t want any of that. I want a mat on the floor and Asian writing on the walls.

Was that too much to ask? Yes, it was. Read more

Wanted: Someone With Whom to Split the Bills

Someone with whom to split the utilities. It’s quite simple: I’m looking for someone to pay half. You don’t get to use the utilities, and you don’t get to live with me. You do, however, get to enjoy the fact that you are making my world a happier place in which to live. Please email me directly regarding the position.

A Veggie Tale

Growing up, I hated vegetables with a passion. I have no idea why, I just didn’t enjoy their taste. Pretty much the only veggies I would eat were corn and potatoes. My parents were in love with this nasty gruel called “California Blend” that was chock full of nasty broccoli and cauliflower and other garbage. If you couldn’t tell, I still am not very fond of certain vegetables.

I still cannot stand the thought of eating broccoli, cauliflower, canned spinach, peas, squash, and various others. I didn’t have sweet potatoes until I was like 15, but they would never have appeared on my “hated foods” list had I discovered them sooner. I used to hate them just by association, which I know was mean of me. Read more

How to Write a Resignation Letter

Today I wrote only the second resignation letter of my life… and it wasn’t even for me. The person for whom I wrote it was both unable to manage her time properly enough to include part time employment, but too clueless to write a proper resignation letter. Here is a sample from her intended resignation letter:

Dear ****, I’ve really liked working here, but I can’t any more because school is just too much for me. Thanks for all the great times!

-*******

I wish I had made that up, but alas, I did not. With my superior linguistic skills and my excessive compassion for those less fortunate, I stepped up to the position of Resignation Letter Ghost Writer. I made sure that she-who-is-too-ashamed-to-be-named looked over my shoulder while I wrote so that she may some day leave a job with dignity instead of weird looks and suppressed snickers.

So many things were wrong with her typed diarrhea that I almost had a hard time getting started with a decent letter. Almost. Following is The Complete Moron’s Guide to Resignation Letter Writing Don’ts. Read more